a public service announcement exposing the dangers of unmonitored chocolate use in seven year old girls

i would like to start this post by thanking all of my friends for their words of encouragement this past week as i endured a time of great spiritual crisis. for those of you who happen to be intrigued and are still reading, the answer to the 'what happened?' is...my seven year old daughter. formerly known as little miss sunshine, gb, during this past week, was a mixture between britney spears on the night she shaved her head and mary catherine gallahger (molly shannon's catholic, school girl character in the movie 'superstar'). there is scene in the movie where mary catherine gets angry with her grandmother, runs upstairs and proceeds to slam the door to her bedroom over and over and over. i once thought this scene was funny. now, not so much. the mornings were horrible. on tuesday, the morning we went back to school, i tell you there was weepin', wailin', and gnashin' of teeth. it was like living out a southern baptist sermon on hell, fire, and damnation. all i was missing was the brimstone. the afternoons were not much better. the afternoons are when gb made a run at the mary catherine gallagher impersonations. so, my solution: put her to bed early. this child needs to get some sleep. she has always been a child that needed sleep to function. so, tuesday night brought and early bedtime. unfortunately, wednesday morning still had the need for several come to jesus meetings.

at this point, i resolve myself to the fact that this is just a phase (i used to be in sales, i can sell myself if need be). i remember a few rocky years around this age with my oldest. guess it's time to strap myself in and hang on, again. it is during this pep talk with myself that i proceed upstairs to get laundry out of gb's room. i find that if you combine unpleasant activities, they get done faster. gb's room is in a bit of chaos as her sister is crashing on her floor while her room is being painted. now, gb has a loft bed, and the loft bed was still covered with christmas bags. (she had been sleeping on the floor with the teen-aged child.) brilliance strikes me! she must not be sleeping well because she's on the floor. if she were to sleep in her own bed, surely, this would solve (or at least help) the attitude problem. i put down the laundry basket, climb up to the loft bed, impressed by my own parenting skills and intuition, then I made the discovery pictured below:



what the...???? it all makes sense now...the consecutive days in a row that gb seemed to be ping-ponging off of the furniture and then coming to me two days later begging for candy..."mom, you are so pretty. you are the best mom ever. can i PLEASE have some candy, PLEASE, PLEASE???" this explains why when i told her she could not have candy, that she should find a healthier snack, that she crumpled into a quivering pile on the floor. i guess i was not mistaken, she really did have the shakes. i thought it was all an act. who knew that this little 60lb. body was going through chocolate detox. she was jones-ing and i would not give her the godiva fix that she wanted. i guesstimate, factoring in that she got chocolate from both grandparents, a few aunts, and santa claus, gb ate around 30-40 pieces of godiva and lindt between december 26th and january 2nd or 3rd. i think we have passed the critical detoxification time period. things seem to better this week. however, as this is a difficult time in her recovery period, please see the following announcement:


attention well-meaning grandparents, sister, aunts, uncles, neighbors, and friends:
IF YOU ENCOUNTER THIS CHILD, DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT GIVE HER CHOCOLATE!

i realize that this kid is cute. i mean, she's mine and i would think she was cute even if she wasn't. but, beware: SHE KNOWS SHE'S CUTE AND SHE WILL USE IT AGAINST YOU. do not be fooled. call her mother, immediately.