thank you, jesus, for trees: random, but deliberate, tales of procrastination

casting stones: aka rant, repent, repeat, part 2

2011-04-22T11:42:00.008-04:00

god is funny. and (today, at least) i don't mean funny, ha-ha. now, there are moments of epiphany that i often experience that cause me to laugh, in a good way. today, however, i am experiencing god's wit in a different manner that can only be described as ironic. (at least, i think ironic is the best word, lest i pull an alanis morrissette and use ironic to describe what are really a series of unfortunate events.) anyway... this morning, i was having a conversation with a friend about a debate she attended last night. this debate was between the three candidates that are vying to become of head of the republican party of georgia. she started telling me about how the night proceeded, and some of the highlights included hearing that god was a republican (i wonder if god knows this?), bashing president obama, and observing one of the candidates take a picture of another candidate's skirt length. (it was above the knee. obviously too short for a political event in jackson county, ga. she must have been from atlanta.) when she told me that she and her husband had to step outside to get some air, i interjected, "i never would have made it." i then proceeded to verbally vomit on my friend about conservatives, words in red, backward people, etc. my vomit turned to dry heaves when she stopped me and said, "well, you might not have liked what they had to say, but at least you would have had the chance to talk to the candidates and share your opinions and beliefs with them. i didn't enjoy all of the night, but if you're gonna talk the talk of change, you have to walk the walk."

we will now pause for dramatic effect

yep, that one still stings! and. she. is. right. and. i. don't. like. it. i'm okay with my friend being right. mind you, she's a very smart person and is a regular contributor to the ongoing conversations in my life. what i don't like is the fact that i realized i was doing exactly what i criticize others of doing. this can range in concepts from creating us v them mentality to enjoying the division our country, and christianity, that we currently face. i'm casting stones, and i am not without sin. sometimes, i really wish i knew what jesus wrote with his finger in the sand that day...

on twitter yesterday, i wrote "rant. repent. repeat." lord, help me to truly consider the middle word and find a way to replace the latter. amen.

the twitter. karmic justice. mohair. honey.

2011-04-20T22:29:00.005-04:00

so, i am now on "the twitter", and i am ashamed to admit this, but i have had a hard time getting into the groove. goovin', for me, includes things like setting up my acct/bio, getting my spelling (and most of my grammar) correct because i often tweet, or reply, impetuously and/or past my bedtime, not to mention actually expressing my sentiments is less than 140 characters. i can't do anything in less than 140 characters!

in related news: if you are noticing a disturbance in the cosmic forces that administer justice and you're wondering, "oh, karma; where art thou?" she's been spending some time here in rural, north georgia serving up her famous humble pie. i'll explain. about a year ago, my parents decided that they wanted to get on "the facebook", and they asked me if i would teach them. this not only involved tutorials in social networking, but the mysteries of email, too. being the good daughter that i am, i took on the challenge which included telling my parents how to get onto the internet, setting up various accts, and enduring duplicate emails from my mother as she always sends things twice because she doesn't trust gmail to deliver her msg the first time. (whew) then, there was a period of a few weeks where i was getting more calls than usual from my parents. i would answer the phone thinking, "how lovely, my parents just want to talk, with me, their oldest offspring."
me: hi, dad.
my dad: karen, i'm sitting at this stupid computer and cannot get on "the facebook". are you sure you gave me the right password?"
me: over-exaggerated sigh and dramatic rolling of the eyes...
the karmic twist here involves my asking my husband to help me with my twitter deficiencies. imagine my surprise when i was met with (oh, how should i put it?) an over-exaggerated sigh and dramatic rolling of the eyes. he even suggested that when discussing this new (to me) form of social media, i should refer to it as "the twitter". what can i say? i'm a sucker for sarcasm and that muscle soccer players have that's located right above their knees.
so, delores and bill, aka mom & dad, i'm sorry.

fast-forward to the season of lent, 2011. my family has recently forged the denominational river from the evangelical side to hang out with the mainline protestants. thus, we are embracing, dare i say enjoying, the events that occur on the christian calendar for the first time. this included the epiphany, shrove tuesday, and lent. (as in, giving something up for lent) my youngest is fasting from chocolate. if you know the small child, or have read my earlier post re her um, problem, with abuse of the chocolate-y goodness, you would realize what a big deal this is for her. if you know me, then you would know that my decision to fast from facebook was huge, as well. i have used fb in a number of ways over the past few years. mostly, it has been a vehicle for procrastination, and/or the general suckage of time. so, the plan was to not waste time on fb and replace that time re-reading the gospels, which i have been doing and absolutely loving. btdubs: the gospel of mark still rocks my world!

this blog has a point...
it was during my fast from fb that my husband suggested to me using the twitter account that i set up last summer. i was skeptical. besides my aforementioned deficiencies, you can't "friend" anyone on "the twitter", ie most of the 300+ people i am "friends" with fb aren't on "the twitter". how will i ever know what whitney is making for dinner, tonight? how will i see pictures of andrea's kids, and how can i fb stalk my teen-age daughter? seriously. i want to know and do these things. (whitney is a good cook, i love andrea's kids, and i do fb stalk my teen; don't judge me!) but, fb, at least for me, could be a source of frustration (read: having to do yogic breathing to calm myself upon reading certain posts and comments). true story: i am not a conservative. not only am i not a conservative, i live in an area where everyone else (well, almost...360 people in my county did vote for the democrat in the last gubernatorial election.) is a conservative. therefore, when sacred cows in the area have been tipped over, i am asked by the local authorities if they can check my shoes for manure. i am oft called a socialist, communist, and a sinner. my daughter was recently ambushed, i mean approached, after an recent american government class and asked if she wanted to become a christian. this came as a result of sharing some of her pov's regarding DOMA and why you can't make the bible part of the constitution. i know people who fervently hold to the beliefs that barack obama is a muslim, the anti-christ, or not born in the u.s. (or all of the above) so, the fact that i'm "different", or at the very least geographically misplaced, is glaringly obvious on my fb home page. my fast will end on easter sunday, but i may keep on fasting. besides, i owe god 5 days due to a number of reasons that include germany, beer, and the boston marathon.

the truth is out there...
so, reluctantly, i took the plunge. it wasn't a plunge really, it was more like a dipping of one's toe in a frigid pool. however, i have found the waters to be be rather pleasant. as illustrated by my earlier ramblings, i'm surrounded by people who are anxiously awaiting the opportunity to buy their trump/palin 2012 bumper stickers. not that i mind rubbing up against people who have differing viewpoints from myself; but *insert some trite statement about growth here and be sure to use something by john maxwell*. so, monday i am on the twitter when i realize i am feeling lighter, and i'm smiling. i had gone from a tweet to a blog to another person on twitter to their tweets to the blog of someone else. i had, in my mind left what i affectionately refer to as "hee-haw hell", and found that there are others out there that believe similar things to myself. i am not so narcissistic that i didn't know that such thoughts existed outside my little micro-cosmos (i mean i watch 30 rock and modern family), but sometimes, living in a conservative wilderness can wear on a girl, especially when politics mixes with religion. i wouldn't go so far as to compare myself to john the baptist, but i can rock out some mohair, and i do really like honey. i am simply dumbfounded when i have conversations with fellow christians who hold political views that totally ignore the words in red. not just where i live, but in many places throughout america, being a good christian has become synonymous with being a good american, and being a good american is synonymous with being a christian. this scares me!!! a lot!!!

i realize that this blog has been a bit of a rant, but i truly want to be a person that is about unity, not so much within american politics, but within the kingdom of god. on good days i am prayerful and contemplate how i can be a vehicle for change. on bad days, well, i compare myself to john the baptist. so, back to the "the twitter" thing. i have only scratched the surface, and already i see many people who feel the same way and are intentional about the work that needs to be done. i am hopeful that i will learn from these individuals and be able to contribute to action that comes from open, honest conversation.

spring. break. sin. heresy. (not necessarily in that order...)

2011-03-31T22:21:00.004-04:00

spring. break. two more beautiful words have not been spoken in sequential order in, well, at least the past week. i am very ready for some play time with the kids. all three of my girls work very hard. as i am currently not employed with regular employment, and they are in school all day, i am thrilled for the opportunity to be with them! so, i am very excited as this spring break includes trips to my two favorite southern cities: savannah and st. augustine! all of the kids are excited, too. our exchange daughter is excited to re-visit savannah. she loved it on fall break and i promised a return trip. yet, truth be told, i am simply happy to be leaving the hee-haw-hell in which i reside, aka jackson county, for just a few days. btdubbs, last night i heard someone at my jefferson kroger tell the clerk that our nation was in trouble because we had a black president and needed more patriotic people in our country. i told her that our nation was in trouble because we had racist people that didn't know how to love others, and THAT was why our country was in trouble. i maybe could have handled the situation better (**note to reader, i am not telling the whole story of my interaction with this, um, lady (?)), but it is what is, y'all.
anyway, spring break is upon us. i have laundry going, and i have begun the house cleaning...i hate coming home to a dirty house! one of the most important aspects of spring break is the 'spring break reading'. i haven't purchased it yet, but my book of choice is "love wins" by rob bell. i must admit, i have always been a fan of rob bell, but i am incredibly compelled by his latest work. he delves into the question surrounding (yes, i said questions) heaven and hell. i have read the intro and bell, though he has never willingly answered the question, at least not that i am aware, is an emergent. at the very least he has emergent theological leanings. for those of you who are not familiar with the emergent church movement, do yourself a favor, google it. if nothing else, trying to figure this movement out is a good exercise in trying to nail jello to the wall, and my grad school study topic, if i am fortunate enough to work things out to attend school this fall...we'll see. we'll see: two more words that are beautiful when spoken in sequential order. two words that have kept me married for almost 19 years, or at the very least saved us from the shedding of blood during political, ahem, 'discussions'. anyway, i'm very excited to read bell's book. the sbc and other denominational heavies are all in a tizzy about it. i wonder if the sbc has ever considered that if they spent half the time they spend criticizing people for "sin" and "heresy" just loving people, they wouldn't need to to criticize people for, um, "sin" and "heresy". i'm just sayin'!

twice around a great big rock

2011-02-28T08:26:00.006-05:00

so, yesterday was our last (really) long run before the race on 3/20. i say "really" because while we ran 10 miles (twice around stone mountain, ie the great big rock), next week we run 8 miles. 8 miles is still a pretty long distance in my book. i am happy to report that i finished the 10 strong. i probably could have kept going. i credit this to the fact that i raised my caloric intake the two days prior this run. i think i'm beginning to understand why running gurus say that when you're training for a long distance race, it's not really the best time to try to lose weight. i have been following a calorie plan that has been helping me to lose 1 1/2 to 2 lbs per week. while i have lost 13lbs, my long runs have been extremely difficult. i have felt soooo sluggish. suspecting that i wasn't eating enough, i raised my intake and yesterday's run was much better. no heavy legs. no feeling of pushing or pulling myself as it took so much effort to put one foot in front of the other. well, at least until around mile 9...i guess i'll have to play with what to eat before longer runs.

so, glen and i ran twice around stone mountain. stone mountain holds such amazing memories for me. this mountain and i have done some time together. i have run around her when in many different stages in my life, experiencing a vast array of emotional states. over the past several years, i have had the honor of sharing this place with some amazing people. we have laughed and talked, ranted and cried, encouraged one another, and fantasized about our post-run meals. some of these people are no long a part of my life, and some people are now more precious to me than ever! this mountain, the lake, the trees are all beautiful and timeless to me. (though i'm not a fan of the confederate carving or that the place is now teeming with tourists).

random thoughts from yesterday:
*if "wicking" material is supposed to wick away sweat, why then, when one has to go to the bathroom, does one have to wrestle with one's pants? (ie why don't they easily go back to where they were before the potty stop?)
*speaking of potty stops...i have what could be diagnosed as a nervous runner's bladder. i need to know that i will have a place to stop ESPECIALLY on a long run. this can be frustrating to those that run with me. so, i have decided that certain people (ahem, glen & kathleen) should start a support group where y'all can gripe about having to wait on me to use the potty. to see what takes me so long, read the above random thought.
*running uphill still sucks. ijs! glen checked the app on his ipod for the reading on elevation. we ascended twice as much as we descended. how can this be?? perhaps we on the verge of discovering some new principle that will change, forever, the face of physics.

8 miles that didn't (totally) suck

2011-02-14T14:02:00.004-05:00

so, this weekend was my eight miler in prep for the atlanta half that is now a little more than 5 weeks away. glen and i ran in athens. athens, i think (except for the very small 12 year olds that always seem to lap me), is a great running town. it's interesting and the terrain is varied...very varied, as in very hilly. as i was running i was remembering the words from uga orientation a few years back, "everything in athens is uphill, even if you went uphill to get there, it's still uphill when you leave." this was mostly true, but i did enjoy some lovely downhill and level spurts. good training, i guess, for atlanta as i have heard the course is hilly as well. the big accomplishments of the run were (1) glen and i ran about 90%, and (2) i still felt strong at the end. mind you, i wasn't ready to do any more, but i felt well enough. i was very excited about this because the seven miler i did two weeks ago...sucked. out. loud. it was one of the most brutal runs i had ever undertaken! it took an eternity and i felt as if the entire run was in slow motion. we ran in jefferson, which in and of itself kind of sucks, and we met many a dog whose owners had no familiarity with leash laws. not only was i worried about being bitten, i was worried about the damn dogs getting hit by a car. around mile five i was ready to just lay down and die (in retrospect this may have been a tad dramatic). i didn't care if the birds picked my bones clean. i was in hell. so the fact this last run felt good was huge for me, especially on a mental level.
so here are my random thoughts from my run on 2/12/11
1. good songs are good songs. as g and i were running around uga we passed the fraternity complex on e river rd and were serenaded by the rolling stones. i guess it struck as me as funny, because the stones are twice removed from the current college generation, and they were once removed from my college generation. i guess i expected to hear something more current.
2. while south campus is all science-y, and i hated the math building while i was a student, i had to recant all the evil curses i expelled upon he building. it was unlocked on saturday, ie there was a bathroom.
3. i am a second half runner. it takes me a (long) while to get going. i don't understand how people just step out their front door and take off running. i don't get into a groove until i've walked about a ten minute warm-up and then have run a few miles. proof that i run better on the second half came from glen's app that tracks our time, distance, and pace. i think mile 6 (or maybe it was mile 7) was only 9 minutes. how the heck did that happen?
4. glen slappey is my favorite running partner.
5. i have to make the commitment to myself to run first thing in the morning. this past week, we didn't start running until after 6pm. it got dark and cold, and dinner came later as a result. after we got home we still had to cook. my blood sugar crashed while i was waiting to eat, and i got the spins for a few minutes. i was going to reward my self with a post-run beer (or two), but opted for sleep instead.

running randomness

2011-01-23T17:42:00.007-05:00

ok. so, it's been almost a year since my last blog...if you care, then my apologies for the long absence. if not, i'm not really sure why you're reading this.

it's a new year and i was not going to make any resolutions, but then i started listening to this podcast that glen likes. 2 gomers run a marathon. they're pretty funny, and they don't take themselves too seriously. i think they are former band-geeks turned adult athletes, so glen and i resonate. anyway, they recently did a podcast about resolutions and i became inspired. therefore, my list of resolutions can be found below:
1. keep my resolutions.
2. plan a race calendar to keep me running all year.
in the past, i have trained, with varying degrees of dedication, for four half marathons. thus, i have completed said four half marathons with varying degrees of success. best time 2:29 and some change. worst time around 3 hrs. though to be fair, the 3 hour race was in vegas, and well, let's just leave it at that.
and that is as far as i have gotten. as each day is a new day in your life, i can come up with more resolutions as i feel the need. but, this list is pretty involved. the calendar is:
3/20 publix half in atlanta
6/4 a 9 mile trail race somewhere in middle ga
7/4 the peachtree road race
10/23 athens half marathon
12/4 marathon of the palm beaches...i haven't decided on the half or the full. i plan to at least do the half. i'll decide on the full by october. we'll see.

re: the full marathon, it's just not something that i am sure is on my bucket list, yet. the half is a very respectable and doable distance. it doesn't take over your life like i think training for a full does. like i said, i'll make the decision by october. i am applying to grad school and i'll know by then if i'll be living my life in semesters again.

so, today's run was 6 miles at the north oconee river greenway in athens, ga. i was not sure i was up for this when i woke up this morning. it was cold and i was exhausted. baby shower. yesterday night. procrastinated til the last minute. on my feet all day. so, this 6 was a "romance run". ie, i ran with my significant other, glen (romance run terminology courtesy of the 2gomers). i thought he was being all sweet when on the way to athens he offered to stop and buy me a pair of ear buds to help me get through my run (ear buds often go missing at the slappey house, go figure). but, less than a mile into the run, i realized it was because he planned to run much faster than me. yes, he left me. this is something with which i have no problem. i have my own pace. i knew the run would be long, and i'm glad i paced myself. the last three miles felt amazing! (note: the previous sentence to be read in a sing-song tone of voice.)
so, it was during my run that i decided to start blogging again. i had random thoughts that came and went so decided that i would write them down as a way to keep a record (of some) of my runs.
some of the randomness:
*true love is when your spouse keeps watch so you can, um, make a "pit stop". this was before he left me. maybe it's also the reason.
*as long as i'm not trail running i should find a route with a bathroom.
*though i am not a fan of def leppard (did i spell that right?), "pour some sugar on me" is a kickin' song to run to. it coincided with my hill climbing and kept me going. who knew? also, something i missed in the 80's, but that song is totally about sex.
*athens is a great place to run, but i hate running in a college town. while i like my slow and steady pace, i do not like being lapped by 12 year old girls, who are about the size of one of my legs, in short-shorts. i'm just sayin'.
and
*i probably need new running shoes.

dateline, january 26, 2010

2010-01-26T20:57:00.002-05:00

good evening, everyone. just wrapping up some loose ends. i am working on the blog about my weekend in west palm beach, but i cannot find the cord that will allow me to download the my pics. it is rather frustrating. maybe tomorrow i will be able to dig through the pit that is my 14 year old's room and locate said cord. so, instead (sigh) i will update in regards to my recent posts.

first. gb has made it through the recovery process and returned to her former "little miss sunshine-y" self. thank the good lord! she thinks that someday she may be able to trust herself around the 'stuff' in social settings. i am not so sure as the other day i overheard her telling her stuffed animals that "mommy may need to 'leave' one of them with the nice lady at the godiva store." keep your fingers crossed.

2. new community's haiti relief effort yielded 864 hygiene kits!!!! absolutely amazing! sunday night we put them together in this really cool assembly line jamming (is that word still cool, or did i just date myself?) to a little ac/dc and a little jesus. it was so beautiful to see people of all ages, working together, living out the commandment to "love your neighbor as yourself."

and c. i started a new job this past monday! i have been looking for work since last summer, so this job is a huge deal for my family. i am rating the 8th grade writing tests for the state of georgia through the uga, college of ed. it's pretty draining, mentally, and i am struggling with the, um, standards that apply to these tests. but, i love working in athens. hell, right now, i just love working.

do you think jesus ever wants to b%#&h-slap someone?

2010-01-15T16:51:00.007-05:00

i am truly struggling with writing this blog entry. as the days have passed since the earthquake struck haiti, i, like most of the country have been glued to the television, moved by dramatic images, and praying that the kingdom of god will overlap that little nation in a powerful way. so basically, anything i write, i feel, will be trite. i mean how can i even begin to comment on something so gut-wrenchingly horrible. my home is in tact. i kissed my children, healthy and whole children, before they went to bed last night. i sent them to school today with food in the their bellies, the money to pay for lunch, and as i write this blog, i am making dinner that i will feed them tonight. again, i feel that anything i can contribute in the way of commentary will be trite at best.

earlier today, i decided i would write something because i was mad. i am, of course, appalled by the despicable comments made by pat robertson and rush limbaugh. and on wednesday, i got into a bit of a tiff with a local 'politician' when i heard he had been part of a contingent that would send $25,000 to the republican (brown is his name, i believe) in massachusetts that was running for ted kennedy's old seat. when i 'suggested' that the money would be better served in haiti, he informed me that no one should send money outside of the united states. that there were people right here, in this country, in the same shape as those in haiti. so i asked him two questions: 1. where did the earthquake that registered 7.0 and created mass devastation happen (in the us)? and 2. if the $25K he and his cronies, um, i mean friends, raised would then be sent to those people? it didn't get any prettier from that point forward. i'm not proud of that moment, but i don't regret it either. i guess that's the best you can hope for.

so i guess i am writing this blog because my little altercation with a local politician is not the end of the story. that same morning i had a meeting planned with stephen saxton, staff pastor at my church, regarding a missions trip we hope to take next summer to africa. we will (it is my hope) be taking a team to zambia to build desks for a school. during this meeting stephen and i were discussing the happenings in haiti and wondered how our community could respond. amazingly, approximately 24 hours later, resources and volunteers were mobilized in response to this communal effort. new community will be collecting money and putting together hygiene kits that will go to the people effected (or affected, i can never remember the difference) by the earthquake. we are partnering with a local umc and umcor (united methodist committee of relief) to get the packages into the hands of people in haiti. and all of the details just fell into place in such a cool way.

so that is a reaction to one icky comment. what about robertson and rush? well, personally, i want to b*t*h slap the both of them. but, um, probably not the right thing to do. speaking of trite, the whole 'what would jesus do?' thing is as trite as it gets. and though i would like to think that (my) jesus would have a similar desire, the words in red lead me to believe he would probably love them in spite of it all. so below i am posting a link by donald miller, author of blue like jazz and one of my fava-flaves. i love donald miller and would love to hang out with him. ( i think you're truly a nerd if you daydream about meeting your favorite author(-s). i would also love to hang out with anne lamott, elizabeth gilbert, zora neale hurston, and mark twain. and yes, i know the later two are deceased). so the response to pat robertson by miller is authentic. christlike. and probably, the right way to respond.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/current-events/op-ed-blog/19845-don-miller-responds-to-pat-robertson

so what about rush? below i have posted a link to a recent opening monologue from the craig ferguson show. it's not mean. it does however, contain humor and perspecive.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27LDh7BBK_4

bad (tragic, terrible, unbelievable) things happen. people react, inappropriately. but, we all have the choice as to how we will respond.

a public service announcement exposing the dangers of unmonitored chocolate use in seven year old girls

2010-01-10T21:18:00.021-05:00

i would like to start this post by thanking all of my friends for their words of encouragement this past week as i endured a time of great spiritual crisis. for those of you who happen to be intrigued and are still reading, the answer to the 'what happened?' is...my seven year old daughter. formerly known as little miss sunshine, gb, during this past week, was a mixture between britney spears on the night she shaved her head and mary catherine gallahger (molly shannon's catholic, school girl character in the movie 'superstar'). there is scene in the movie where mary catherine gets angry with her grandmother, runs upstairs and proceeds to slam the door to her bedroom over and over and over. i once thought this scene was funny. now, not so much. the mornings were horrible. on tuesday, the morning we went back to school, i tell you there was weepin', wailin', and gnashin' of teeth. it was like living out a southern baptist sermon on hell, fire, and damnation. all i was missing was the brimstone. the afternoons were not much better. the afternoons are when gb made a run at the mary catherine gallagher impersonations. so, my solution: put her to bed early. this child needs to get some sleep. she has always been a child that needed sleep to function. so, tuesday night brought and early bedtime. unfortunately, wednesday morning still had the need for several come to jesus meetings.

at this point, i resolve myself to the fact that this is just a phase (i used to be in sales, i can sell myself if need be). i remember a few rocky years around this age with my oldest. guess it's time to strap myself in and hang on, again. it is during this pep talk with myself that i proceed upstairs to get laundry out of gb's room. i find that if you combine unpleasant activities, they get done faster. gb's room is in a bit of chaos as her sister is crashing on her floor while her room is being painted. now, gb has a loft bed, and the loft bed was still covered with christmas bags. (she had been sleeping on the floor with the teen-aged child.) brilliance strikes me! she must not be sleeping well because she's on the floor. if she were to sleep in her own bed, surely, this would solve (or at least help) the attitude problem. i put down the laundry basket, climb up to the loft bed, impressed by my own parenting skills and intuition, then I made the discovery pictured below:

what the...???? it all makes sense now...the consecutive days in a row that gb seemed to be ping-ponging off of the furniture and then coming to me two days later begging for candy..."mom, you are so pretty. you are the best mom ever. can i PLEASE have some candy, PLEASE, PLEASE???" this explains why when i told her she could not have candy, that she should find a healthier snack, that she crumpled into a quivering pile on the floor. i guess i was not mistaken, she really did have the shakes. i thought it was all an act. who knew that this little 60lb. body was going through chocolate detox. she was jones-ing and i would not give her the godiva fix that she wanted. i guesstimate, factoring in that she got chocolate from both grandparents, a few aunts, and santa claus, gb ate around 30-40 pieces of godiva and lindt between december 26th and january 2nd or 3rd. i think we have passed the critical detoxification time period. things seem to better this week. however, as this is a difficult time in her recovery period, please see the following announcement:

attention well-meaning grandparents, sister, aunts, uncles, neighbors, and friends:
IF YOU ENCOUNTER THIS CHILD, DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT GIVE HER CHOCOLATE!

i realize that this kid is cute. i mean, she's mine and i would think she was cute even if she wasn't. but, beware: SHE KNOWS SHE'S CUTE AND SHE WILL USE IT AGAINST YOU. do not be fooled. call her mother, immediately.

tales of the feminist bread baker

2010-01-08T10:33:00.021-05:00

ok. so i tend to obsess over things from time to time. little or big, there is no pattern to the things that capture my attention and distract me from an ever-present to do list. this is why school was so wonderful. i like thinking in semesters. i like having a syllabus for a class and rubric for projects/papers. these things keep me on task. they tell me what i must accomplish, especially if i want to make an a. and with the exception of my math class, i always wanted to make an a. now mind you, not much was accomplished outside of school during my tenure as a student. this is why the home in which i have been living for the past three years has many unfinished projects. anyway...

my latest obsession revolves around the food that i feed my family. i have been a member of the 'holy church of the high-priced organic' since my oldest daughter was about 7. it was at this time that i knew of a child, a girl my daughter's age, that started her monthly cycles. it freaked me out! i started doing some research, and well, i have been buying organic ever since. it has been hard in this current economy to continue to buy organic. we are currently a one income household with two income's worth of bills each month. organic eggs and milk are twice the price as regular. then , this weekend i became acquainted with the evils of high fructose corn syrup. this crap is in everything!!!!!! early sunday morning found me going through my pantry and fridge reading every label. the room started to spin and i began to hyperventilate. HFCS everywhere. about this time, my seven year old came down stairs and picked up the loaf of bread (a loaf of bread containing HFCS) off of the counter to make her usual peanut-butter toast when i tackled her and covered her with my body as if to protect her from a grenade or something. i think i weirded her out a little. anyway. it was on sunday that i decided i would start making my own bread. (when i announced this to one of my girlfriends, her response was, "you need a job.") well, that is true but, i think i would have had the same reaction even i were gainfully employed. there is a limited amount of bread without HFCS on the market and it is pricey. so, there was a link to a homemade bread recipe on one of the 'evils of HFCS' web pages, which is where i got the idea. so sunday after church... i. made. homemade. bread. and it didn't suck! below i have posted the pics from that afternoon. a shout out to my photographer, g. who said he took the action shots of me kneading the dough in 'sport mode'. (i have also posted pictures so that my mother will stop thinking i lied to her.)

this recipe was super easy. i had always pictured women who made their own bread as, well, um, amish. who has time? this first step, where you mix everything together, takes the longest. probably about 15 min, if you have everything set out.

here i am kneading the dough. this part was the best. it was very cathartic beating and working the dough. however, after making two batches of bread, i have learned that during this step you have to be careful not to add too much flour. i use less flour when i use my kitchenaid mixer, an appliance that i have just come to appreciate. but it is not as much fun, and the small child likes to help during the kneading part.

here is my little doughy-baby. all snuggly
and warm in her bowl. yes, bread is feminine! now here is where bread is time consuming... you have to let is rise, for like an hour. this is god's way of helping me with my instant gratification issues.

another action shot with the flour just a-flyin'. more kneading. you have to punch it down and get all of the air out so you can shape it into loaves.

here are my loaves ready to go in the oven. but you have to cover the loaf pans and let the dough rise one more time. i did take a picture, but this posting pictures thing is getting tedious and i am lazy. one more picture, though. finished product.

isn't she pretty? my little doughy-baby is all grown up with a loaf of her own. i told you bread was feminine!

the wrap up: things i learned while making bread...

1. too much flour makes the bread dense.
2. you can alter a recipe and nothing explodes. my first batch was white bread because the website that convinced me i could do this said white was the easiest way to get started. my second batch was honey wheat.
3. i can still have feminist tendencies and bake my own bread. once upon a time, i shunned anything domestic. cooking. cleaning...well, i still shun cleaning. but really anything that labeled me a 'homemaker', i tended to poo-poo. i felt like i was betraying all of my sisters by admitting that i liked to do homey stuff. i just couldn't talk about potty training or casserole making for hours on end...but now, as i am less than 365 days away from being a 40 year old woman, i am beginning to embrace many of these homemaker-esque tendencies. and i'm doing it willingly. i have thoroughly enjoyed baking bread for my family. i know that i have done something good for them. something that gives life to their lives, especially to my growing daughters. what could be more feminist than that?

i have also become obsessed with the high cost of organic eggs. i am currently scheming a way to raise chickens within the city limits in my subdivision that has covenants against livestock. i even have a blue print for my coop. another blog for another time...

a bad mommy moment

2009-12-29T19:35:00.006-05:00

don't you just love those shining moments in life that serve to remind you that you are off of your game. my most recent reminder came this evening as i was in the office on my computer reading the news on the npr home page. now i have to admit that i was being a little smug, patting myself on the back, for not only keeping up with recent events but doing so on npr. how smart and sophisticated of me... (i actually changed my internet homepage before christmas because i hated all of the ads on yahoo, msn, etc. for aesthetic reasons) so, here i am in my smug-laden state when i hear from the family room..."boys, go get mama's plastic stripper shoes out of the lego box." (in a very southern accent a la joy turner from the trailer park). my name is earl was on and my seven year old was watching it...for god knows how long, no wonder it was so quiet. i love tivo and i don't love tivo. i do tivo my name is earl, a very guilty pleasure, but not for public viewing and not for my seven year old. i am sure it is only a matter of time before i get asked the question, "mom, what are stripper shoes?" wonderful.

limbo

2009-12-25T15:03:00.013-05:00

the week between christmas and the new year always feels like, to me, a week spent living in limbo. the big hoorah of the holidays has past and in my spirit i feel an anxiousness to get on to what's next. it's not that i always know what's coming next, i am just really good at anticipating. some people might say that i have a problem with delayed gratification. perhaps. but if i could be allowed the luxury of explaining myself, i'd have to make the argument that i love do-overs. i love it when things are new and i love how the universe is concomitant with the do-over, the second chance (or third, or twentieth, or the hundredth...), the reset button. we see it in the cycles of the moon, the seasons, and in the earthly lives of humans. there are deaths and births on this planet everyday. so, i know that it's coming. my clean slate. my chance to do it again and get, some of it at least, right this time. so, with that said, someone might think that i have a resolution list a mile long this year, but i don't. not one single thing. what i do have is a word. one word...commitment. instead of declaring my intentions to lose 20 pounds or keep my car clean (i'm not giving up wine, sorry mom.). i want to commit myself to living a life that is lived well, this year, and every year, for the rest of my life. i want to commit my life to other people: to my kids, my husband, my friends, to people in need. and also to myself. because sometimes the failure to commit hurts us the most. we cheat ourselves and that is most egregious injustice of all; when we waste this precious gift that god has given to us.

instead of a resolution list, i have complied a list of things that i have learned about myself over this past year:

1. found out that i am no longer allergic to cats. who knew? apparently, your allergies change every couple of years. this info comes from my cousin, allyson. allyson has many allergies, she would be familiar with this information. i am so happy about this as i took in two strays early this fall. see lulu kitty: ( stray cat number two left for greener pastures, i hope).

2. being a mom is the single most significant thing that i will accomplish in this lifetime. i would do anything for my daughters. i am grateful that god saw fit to make me their momma.

3. sometimes, when we pray, god has a totally different idea as to what the answer to said prayer will look like. about a year ago, i prayed for community. there were some major shifts that happened within my personal universe, but it is all for the best. god absolutely knows what s/he is doing.

4. speaking of god. i rediscovered my faith this past year in academic bible classes at a "secular" university of all places. (thank you wayne coppins and beth lorocca-pitts) i learned that jesus was (is) a revolutionary and i believe that the example that jesus lived in his earthly life is the way in which i want to follow. not some denominational version of jesus. the jesus of the words in red. the jesus that spoke of love. the jesus that had compassion for the sick and impoverished. the jesus who called the religious establishment a "brood of vipers." i could go on...

5. i learned that i do have the fortitude to follow through. after working toward a degree for over a decade, i finally graduated from college, with honors. you can do anything you want to do; work hard and pray harder.

i also learned that:
i love running on trails better than pavement. ( thank you, david ray)
i like brownies, a lot. perhaps, too much!
i like sitting in silence. nothing bad comes from an absence of sound.
true friends are more valuable that any amount of money.
stuff is just stuff. we really need so little to be happy.

thanks for reading my blog. i really enjoy writing, another thing i have learned about myself this year.

may god continue to bless us all in 2010.

the zen evolves into a christmas miracle

2009-12-22T17:37:00.003-05:00

christmas is three days away and i am still reveling in my zen-like state. i had an interview in athens this morning, a networking interview, and decided to go shopping afterward. children, take mama's advice. if you live anywhere in the land of gwinnett, barrow, jackson, or clarke; shop in athens. same stores. less traffic. atlanta highway is congested, but it moves. hwy 20 and the roads surrounding the m.o.g. (mall of georgia) do not move. it is a personal torment much akin to dante's 5th level of hell where:
"The river Styx runs through (this level of Hell), and in it are punished the wrathful and the gloomy. The former are forever lashing out at each other in anger, furious and naked, tearing each other piecemeal with their teeth. The latter are gurgling in the black mud, slothful and sullen, withdrawn from the world. Their lamentations bubble to the surface as they try to repeat a doleful hymn, though with unbroken words they cannot say it. Because you lived a cruel, vindictive and hateful life, you meet your fate in the Styx."
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-information.htm

...and i don't think i am being overly dramatic.

so anyway. athens is where i found one of the three things my daughter, gb, has on her christmas list, roller skates. between glen, my mother, my sister, and myself, we must have looked in 20+ stores. apparently, skates are a popular item this year. as the title of this blog infers, i felt like finding them was a christmas miracle! i think i heard angels singing and everything.

and now, a side note for those of you who know my beloved, graceful, gb. please add her to your permanent prayer list. as you just read, i bought her roller skates. roller skates, not roller blades. for some reason, i have convinced myself that roller skates are less dangerous than blades. however, there will still be wheels underneath her feet. perhaps a bad idea?? i once had a friend tell me that she thought poor gb was under the care of a disgruntled, guardian angel. this would make sense. regardless, she will know beyond any doubt that she will be wearing full pads before going out with the skates. i may also invest in some industrial size rolls of bubble wrap. and i will be giving thanks for neighbors: a former nurse, a current er nurse, and a firefighter/medic. gb may have a guardian angel not worth his or her salt, but god is taking up the slack.

so just to wrap it up. zen still in tact. wishing everyone peace and love and goodwill and ghirardelli chocolate brownies.

i'm dreaming of a zen christmas...

2009-12-20T14:36:00.004-05:00

it is quiet here in the slappey house. the girls are off on their annual trip with the g-parents and glen and i have been left to entertain ourselves. it is amazing the change in what 'entertaining ourselves' has come to mean. let's just say, so i don't get TMI comments from anyone, the chandeliers are in no danger of being used as a swing. quite the contrary. glen is taking a nap and i am hanging out with a very loyal dog and a somewhat ambivalent cat. (you would think the girl-kitty would be more grateful. i mean, i rescued her from life on the streets and sister it is cold outside.) there may be a movie in my future this afternoon, maybe not.
the irony of which i have become aware this afternoon, is that i canceled our weekly small group meeting because i was so sure that g and i would be out whooping it up, probably in athens. for those of you not in the know, small group is a a group of people from your church that meet each week at someones house. ours is more like a book club. we eat and then discuss a book. sometimes we even relate the discussion to god, but always, we get sidetracked and have a great time. anyway. so i canceled small group. most people in our group were relieved because of the existence of so many holiday commitments. people are stressed. i guess i must live under a rock. i have not been stressed this year. not even for a single second. our tree didn't get decorated until friday and it was all good. i even went to the mall of georgia yesterday afternoon to START my christmas shopping. i was pretty zen about it. i guess it was because i usually avoid the mall like the plague throughout the year so i must have had enough inner peace stored up to get me through. true story: i did not yell or cuss at one single person. a monumental feat as i went to the mall with my children.
so, here's the real reason for this no reason blog today. (please, don't correct my grammar...) thus far, i believe that my attempt to embrace AND enjoy the holidays has been a success. i even helped to decorate the slappey christmas tree. something i rarely do. the kids take care of it and if all of the ornaments are put on in a cluster, i leave it be. yet, there are 5 days left until c-day arrives. we'll see how they unfold as there are 2 big family parties and most of my shopping left to be completed.

cathartic

2009-12-18T15:32:00.006-05:00

Main Entry: ¹ca·thar·tic

Pronunciation: \kə-ˈthär-tik\

Function: adjective

Etymology: Late Latin or Greek; Late Latin catharticus, from Greek kathartikos, from kathairein

Date: 1612

: of, relating to, or producing catharsis drugs>

— ca·thar·tic·al·ly \-ti-k(ə-)lē\ adverb

so, maybe i should have looked up catharsis.

Main Entry: ca·thar·sis

Pronunciation: \kə-ˈthär-səs\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural ca·thar·ses \-ˌsēz\

Etymology: New Latin, from Greek katharsis, from kathairein to cleanse, purge, from katharos

Date: circa 1775

1 : purgation
2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension
3 : elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

i have been hearing the word cathartic a lot lately. it's just been one of those words that has been on my radar. thus, i have been prompted to use the word cathartic randomly, whenever i get the chance to throw it into conversation. further, i have been prompted investigate all things cathartic that happen in my life. ( and now that i have looked up the official definition of cathartic/catharsis, i feel prompted to investigate the word 'purgation'. great word. i think i'll try to use it in a sentence this week.) so like i said, i have been thinking about things that are cathartic. i know lots of people who are going through lots of stuff right now. and not fun stuff. the kind of stuff that sucks out loud kind of stuff. friends who have family with cancer or have cancer themselves. people who are loosing their homes to foreclosure. people have lost their health insurance. people who are out of work. (i love uplifting blogs!) so in this season of catharsis i find myself doing things like drinking hot tea because i like it and it's good for me. i make brownies on a regular basis and i enjoy them even though they are not good for me. i find that my home practice (that's yoga practice for those not in the know) is better and more consistent than it has ever been. i hang out with my cat and dogs. i laugh and sing with my daughters and i snuggle up to my husband when he is sleeping. the heat that comes off of him when he is asleep is like the soothing warmth that comes from a heating pad. it always makes me feel better. it is cathartic. but the definition of catharsis involves 'purgation' (see, i used it in a sentence. yay me!). so, when i get angry with someone, or i need to get something off of my chest, i write a letter that i will never mail. i sing songs at the top of my lungs. i cry. and i scream. in fact, if i find that slappey girls have been guilty of exchanging some bad juju with each other (ie. have been unkind) we scream it out. as this scenario usually happens in the car, we turn the radio up. loud. and proceed to scream. and scream again. and again. usually we end up laughing. occasionally, one of us has to stop and pee. but always, i end up snorting. and snorting my friends, is cathartic.

but mostly, i think that catharsis is about being kind to yourself. i think that catharsis is realizing that you are a child of god and then living in the grace that is available to all of us. especially from within ourselves. we all have the choice and then the ability to show grace to ourselves. catharsis is also about surrounding yourself with people who understand this principle and thus, live accordingly. it is about surrounding ourselves with people who are good for us. people who speak life and truth over our lives. much like a blessing.
about a year ago, a prayer grew from within the very center of my heart. i asked god to surround me with people who loved god and understood the principles about which i have been writing. i wanted to cultivate a community of individuals that could pray for me if i asked them to. i wanted a community, of women, especially, that, like i said, spoke life and truth. women who possessed wisdom. it hasn't happened the way that i would have expected, but i have that for which i prayed. and it is more beautiful than anything i could have created myself.

santa creeps me out

2009-11-25T14:35:00.003-05:00

so, here's the picture. i am playing the role of barista at my local, neighborhood, non-profit, coffee shop on thanksgiving eve when in walks santa, mrs. claus, and their children. seriously. the man was obviously a santa impersonator. (is that the right word for a santa? i mean, if someone dresses up like elvis, aren't they an elvis impersonator? anyway.) so the claus family is hanging out when santa decides it is time to engage the barista, ie, me. as this gentleman is talking to me, the whole time i cannot focus on anything other than the fact that he looks like santa claus. then, (hold for dramatic pause) the conversation turns into a diatribe about how no one really practices true christianity anymore. the irony that these words were coming from the mouth of (a) santa was not lost on me. apparently, real christianity means telling all homosexuals that they are going to straight to hell, and not allowing women to participate in ministry. who knew????? those of you who know me would be proud, i guess. i still have holes in my tongue where my teeth bit straight through. i smiled and nodded and silently prayed for he and his family to leave as soon as was humanly possible. i am very vocal when it comes to these topics. especially, the women in ministry thing. i have in the past wrestled with the words of the apostle paul and in time made my peace. (thank you, dr. coppins. and thank you morna hooker for your illuminations regarding the first century context, but i digress...) anyway, as i was working in the coffee shop attached to my church and thus a representative of the above, i was not at liberty to, how should i put it? engage in lively banter.

my story does have a point. sort of. at least a point that makes sense to me. and it involves another rabbit trail. (i will understand if you decide to stop reading now...) i am not a fan of christmas. really never have been. call me a scrooge, grinch, whatever. i know that so many people look forward to december 25th. i look forward to december 26th. truly i do. i love january 1 even more. but this year, as i have tried so many times before, i have decided to be intentional about embracing AND enjoying the christmas season. i intend to deck the halls, kiss my husband under some mistletoe, and contemplate the meaning of the birth that is celebrated this time of year. i want to celebrate this next few weeks as genuinely and authentically as possible. i have to tell you. no offense meant to mr. claus, but he is not the kind of authentic i am looking for. i am pretty confident that i don't roll with santa's kind of christmas.
i am happily observing that, as i saw happen with thanksgiving, people are focusing on what is really important this year. family. friends. helping others. and being thankful for what we have. not what we 'need'. i don't know about you. (other than the fact that i could stand to be gainfully employed...) i know very few people who really need anything, myself included. i was talking with my aunt pam the other day. we were discussing how hard things have become, financially, for so many. we were discussing the fact that someone i know is losing their house to foreclosure this month. and pam said that even though things were bad, she hated to complain. she was still so very fortunate. she told me that she had never watched her children go hungry, let alone starve to death. she had always been able to buy her children medicine when they were sick. and no one in her family has ever had to sleep on the floor of a mud hut. you get the picture. i am grateful for pam and her perspective. christmas will be over on december 26th. it is my hope that i will carry this perspective of gratitude and an understanding of what i 'need' with me well into 2010 and beyond. a very merry christmas and happy holiday to everyone.

i miss my trail

2009-11-19T17:21:00.003-05:00

i miss my trail. i am not quite sure how this has happened. well, actually i do know why i haven't made it out to do any trail runs, lately. between flooding at the park, sports activities for the kids, and trips out of town, it has been a matter of fitting it in on the treadmill or simply doing what lots of runners do; put on my shoes and walk out my front door (i'm not a fan of either). so, to get to a trail requires planning ahead and travel. (i am always good for a road trip. it's the planning ahead that seems to vex me.) my favorite place to run is little mulberry park in gwinnett county, ga about 35 minutes away from my house. while i'm out there i simply cannot believe that these secluded woods are in the middle of such a hectic place.

so, i have been running, just not where i would prefer. today i was on my treadmill about 2.5 miles into my run when it happened... that happy place for me where my running feels good. my body gets going. my breathing and foot strikes are in a hypnotic rhythm. and there are some killer tunes on my ipod. before you know it i am doing the 'thankful thing'. those who have run with me have witnessed this crazy little ode to joy that erupts from my soul. i start thanking jesus for my lungs and my heart. i thank jesus that my legs and feet have carried me this far. and then i thank jesus for the trees. on occasion, i have even been know to stop and hug one or two most unsuspecting, very stately, trees. i always take them by surprise. but they always, most graciously, hug back. trees have good manners. especially, in the south.

but today, there were no trees to hug. there are no trees in my basement. just things that are counterproductive to my running like a tv, comfy chairs, and a bar. running for me is more than exercise. it is a chance for me to connect to god. my version of god anyway. when i run i talk to god; my own jesus of the trail. much like ricky bobby in 'talladega nights', i have my own version of what jesus looks and acts like. while, ricky bobby's favorite version was the "baby jesus", my jesus of the trail is a combination of sayid from lost and mary catherine gallagher's jesus from the movie 'superstar', a la will ferrel. so, the jesus i meet on the trail has an amazing sense of humor! we laugh at ourselves. well, this is usually a time when i laugh at myself. ( i think jesus would laugh at himself, but i am not willing to risk blasphemy and say for certain that he does.) while i love running, it is often a struggle for me. sometimes, especially if it has been a while since my last run, it can be a time when i want to beat myself up for something that i did or didn't do. like kicking myself for holding onto the childhood notion that mac n cheese counts a vegetable or the very adult notion that sangria is it's own food group. ( i make sangria with mangoes and raspberries, copious amounts of nutritional value are represented here). laughing at myself keeps the mood light and reminds me that beating myself up is a really bad habit. and my trail jesus knows me well. he shows me grace. after all, running is a learning process with grace at its core.

so, i said all of that to say this: i need to get back to my trail. i need to fall into that hypnotic rhythm that comes from the combination of my breath and foot strikes. i miss my trees. i need to hug them and have them hug me back. i miss my trail.

november

2009-11-19T06:14:00.000-05:00

i am sitting here at my kitchen table with a cup of tea and the darkness to keep me company. i love early mornings! i occasionally get some flack from my family because i rarely make it past a 9pm bedtime. that's okay. the 'me' time i get get in the 5 o'clock hour is my pay off.

it's november. thanksgiving is next week and lots of people are talking about gratitude this year. i mean really talking about it! if nothing else comes out of the current economic situation other than a return to gratitude, i think that is an even trade. people are cultivating gratitude in their lives as we (and trust me, we are all in this together) are coming back to what is really important.

this past sunday the youth ministry at my church hosted invisible children. the invisible children organization hopes to bring awareness and aid to the plight of children in northern uganda who have been abducted from their villages, from their families, and essentially forced into slavery. boys and girls as young as 9 or 10 are forced to become soldiers or wives of soldiers in the lord's resistance army headed by a most evil man named joseph kony. The lra was one of the factions involved in a long waged war in uganda. now, everyone except the lra and kony have accepted a peace agreement. kony continues to terrorize the people of uganda as well as regions of sudan and the republic of the congo. this one terrorist is holding a large part of africa hostage. thousands have been massacred. to date over 100,000 CHILDREN have been abducted. forced to com mitt horrible atrocities, these babies will never be the same, even if by some miracle they could ever be reunited with their families. i have written about ic because it is a cause about which my family has very quickly become passionate. please check out their website at www.invisblechildren.com. i have also written about ic because i have seen how learning about this tragic situation has affected my oldest daughter. her very sheltered life got bigger on sunday as she learned about kids her age living a very different kind of life. jordan and i discussed a massacre led by kony's lra on christmas two years ago. she remarked how she knew she was with family, eating a good meal, getting presents, which she called 'stuff', but most of all she was safe.

while hearing about and connecting with people in horrible situations on the other side of the globe can make us feel grateful, i don't think connecting to a grateful heart has to come out of realizing that i have more or i am better off than another person. i think that is has more to do with being content in all of our circumstances. good and bad. yesterday, i went on yet another job interview. i have to admit, though i think the interview went well, i am doubtful that i will get this job. i am not a pessimistic person, in fact, very much the opposite. i am just aware of the thousands of people in georgia that are currently looking for employment. as someone who loves las vegas and likes to gamble, i am well aware of the odds and they are not good. i know that i will get a job at some point. and yes, this one could work out but, maybe not. anyway, like i said, i left the interview with all of the above in mind and headed to yoga. when i saw my teacher, shannon, she asked me how i was doing ( i love that shannon really wants to know how you are when she asks, it is not just a social courtesy for her). and i automatically replied, "great". but here i am worried about things like jobs and money and bills and such. she asked me about the job search and as we talked, i realized that i was great. my basic needs were met. i have a family that loves me, healthy children, shelter (a pretty nice one, too), food, nice clothes in which i felt comfortable at the interview i had just left, a car to get to that interview, and the list goes on and on. it was a moment in my life where i realized that i was content. am i always this way? um, no. but this is my hope to be content in all seasons and circumstances.

pride sucks.

2009-09-29T11:10:00.000-04:00

ok. so, i'm obviously not doing the full 26.2 miles of the marine corp marathon on october 25th. i started this journey with my friends, kellie and andrea, early in the year with excitement and vigilance. and then came june. this summer, i completed my last semester of my undergrad degree taking 12 hours of upper level courses, i actually took 30 hours between january and august. let me just say, so glad to be done. so in june, i stopped running. actually, i stopped exercising totally. um, not good for stress or the prevention of the spreading of ones ass. so a few weeks ago, about five weeks post-graduation, i started running again. it felt wonderful. i am one of those sickos that actually likes to run. there is something holy about the rhythmic combination of breath, heartbeat, and foot strikes. for me, it's pretty transcendental. if i am on a trail, forget it. i don't think it's a runner's high but something more like worship. i am surrounded by god's amazing creation and usually with a friend. i never cease to be thankful that my body just carried me however far i just ran, and then, i usually start thanking jesus out loud for trees. sometimes. i even hug a few. it's quite the religious experience, pentecostal even.

so i love to run. you get it by now. this is where the pride part comes in. my dear, sweet girlfriends have been wondering, some would say nagging (not me, though) about whether or not i was coming to washington to do the mcm. i had been giving them the whole "well, i have to wait and see bit." some of it legit, like the job thing. as in, i need one...so if anyone out there can hook a sister up... but, mostly, i was mad at myself because i let my training go. i had gotten sidetracked from a goal i had set for myself and i was ashamed. it's not as if i have never accomplished anything. i have set and attained lots of goals. but this one was different and i don't really know why.

so, yesterday, i am on the phone with kellie. and again, we talk about october 25th. she tells me that she wants me to come, asks me what can she do to get me there and then, this is the kicker, she tells me that she needs me to be there. she tells me in a tone of voice that after knowing her for almost 25 years, i know it's true. still not willing to commit, i tell her give me a few more days to think about it. so what else could i do, i get on my treadmill and run. as i am running, seeing just how hard i can push myself, i am overwhelmed with the knowledge that it is my pride that is keeping me from going to washington and supporting my friends. if you have ever run a long distance race, you understand how wonderful it is to have family and friends there to see you cross the finish line. i remember finishing my last half-marathon and seeing glen and the girls 50 feet from the end and running over to love on them and be loved on right back. suddenly, i was smacked right between the eyes by the fact that i was making this all about me. i was the most important variable in this whole marathon equation. i was embarrassed by the fact that i would only be able to jump in and run the last 10miles, crossing the finish line knowing i hadn't put in the time leading up to that day. i was letting my pride get in the way. so, i eased the speed on the treadmill down a bit and decided to look for my big-girl panties as soon as i finished my run.
i am not going to let my pride rob me of this experience. i will be there for kellie and andrea. i will happily run those last ten miles with them and focus, that weekend, on what is important, my girlfriends and being there for them.

as i was finishing my run, i began to think of the other things that pride is keeping me from doing. there are a few biggies. it's very easy for me to say that i have the right to be angry and that i was wronged, but what good will that do in the long run. the more we hang onto pride, i think, it can become a habit. no one likes to be wrong. i hate to be wrong. but i hate being stuck even worse. anne lamott, oh my, one of my most favorite authors, describes forgiveness as for giving. it is for giving away. giving someone else or yourself the gift of forgiveness, even asking for forgiveness, is a powerful and freeing action.

bust a move

2009-06-09T15:20:00.001-04:00

ok. so, i have been a student at uga for about 3 years now and have yet to use the work out center at ramsey. today, i would be enlightened as to why this was probably for the best...
so those who know me, know that i am currently training for my first full marathon (marine corp, 10.25.9). i have done 4 half marathons with varying degrees of success but i have been contemplating the big 26.2. it has loomed large. i wanted to do a full before i turned 40, another number that looms large (12.8.10). a few weeks ago i get a phone call from my bff from hs, kpb, on a stormy friday night. tornado warnings (or watches, whichever is the real deal one) abound. i am two glasses into a bottle of chardonnay and contemplating my mortality when she calls. and she is whining a little ( at least this how my memory serves, but i think it was me that was whining), high school reunion, girl power, wanting me to do this with her. she was very convincing. so i agree. this will be fun, right? we can do this; yes we can.
so this brings me to 6.9.9. i am several weeks into my training. i have been diligent. i haven't missed a run. i know that today is full so i decide to run at school between classes, at ramsey, with all of the 12 year olds...this has been my drawback from working out at ramsey since my studenthood began. ramsey is a beautiful facility. however, it is a beautiful facility filled with children. 12 and 13 year olds with small bodies in small clothing, barely breaking a sweat. i decide to get over it, like i said i am diligent.
so i enter. deep breath, open doors, find treadmill. as luck would have it i see a friend from one of my classes, i think she is 15 so i can workout next to her. she is on a bike. i say hello and get going. this isn't so bad. i am actually starting to feel okay about being here. 30 minutes will be a breeze. so, i am running along at a 5.5 mph pace, ac/dc is playing, this is good. until...my body slams into the front of the treadmill. apparently, a quick start only gets you 20 minutes. this is quite jolting, not just to me but also a smattering of 12 and 13 year olds working out around me. in a matter of seconds i have about 5 children on top of me trying to help me up, i think they thought i broke a hip or something. i am disoriented but i keep hearing this horribly recognizable word...ma'am. are you okay... ma'am? let us help you up...ma'am. can i get you something...ma'am? ma'am. ma'am. ma'am. i assure them that all of my parts still work and the van back to the senior center will be along any moment.
so, they go back to their places and i decide i will not let this shake me. i wanted 30 min, i have not missed one of my runs. i do some "sucking it up" and try to restart the treadmill. the treadmill says no. i cannot make this *%^$ machine go again. probably a result of being slammed by a clumsy, older ma'am type. ok. plan b. there are elliptical machines in the back of the gym. i will do 15 min on the elliptical, it has a running motion, right? so, put the ipod back on...loud, pick up my backpack, and move to the elliptical.
so i get going. and i am pumping hard. feeling good. the past is the past. i am moving forward. after a few minutes i realize people are looking at me. sure, let's all look at the old lady that just made an ass of herself when she fell on her, um, ass. 'shake it off, slappey, just finish.' i keep going. more stares, especially from this 13 year old girl two ellipticals over. 'is there something on my face? am i bleeding and not aware?' so i take out my head phones. i'm done, i'll run more later. whatever. upon taking out my ear buds i hear this horrible noise. imagine a creaky floor mixed with grinding metal, over and over and over. i had picked the elliptical, that much like me, was in need of wd-40. every time my right foot made a rotation the elliptical was screaming to be oiled. at this point, i call it a day. i got my 30min in. picked up my backpack and left with my head held high, and very quickly looked for a crowd of grown ups with which to blend in. as luck would have it, it was parent orientation day at uga. i got on a bus filled with parents touring the school with their kids who would be at uga in the fall. kids who were born around 1990, 1991. kids i could have birthed. sigh...